When Love Strikes

Journal Entry #2

And I’d say, “this can’t be real. I’m making it up. You’re a liar. I’m crazy. I want to see you. I can’t see you. This has to be real but what’s real?”

And the only thing I’d say to Adonai right now, the only thing I can conjure or mean is “I knew it was her.”

Just because I can't text this woman back right now, because it hurts. It's wild, it's emotional, it's love, it's everything I'm not prepared to feel right now. After planning our hangout together before she leaves the country, she ghosted me, only to finally reach out and say, 'I'm the worst.'

I'd say everything right now, I'd say: 'I hate you. I love you. I want you. I need you. I wish you knew how it felt for someone to mess you up. Karma's a bitch. I'm down for a 'I really dislike you' kind of fuck, but I never want to see you again.' I'd say, 'I know we'd last. I know we'd look good together and that we align in ways even the universe couldn't have done a better job at, and I know you feel it too.' I'd say, 'I doubt all of this. I don't need you. I don't want to think about you.'

I'd say, 'I pray every day that you'll come back to me, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how angry I am, or how numb I feel. I'll pray in the dark to know it was real. I'll pray harder that it was meaningless and that I deserve better, but I wish it was you!'"